Directed by Jack Smight

Stars: Gabe Kaplan, Harold Sylvester, Bernard King, Mavis Washington

"You give him a basketball and he's got more moves than a hundred dollar hooker!"

On a special episode of Welcome Back, Kotter, Mr. Kotter teaches the Sweat Hogs how to play basketball and zany hijinks ensue. Wait a minute...that's not right, but it's close. Just add cross-dressing, profanity, and drugs- THEN you could be watching a rerun of the old sitcom.

Deli worker David Green wants nothing more than to be a basketball coach. He finally gets his chance at unknown Cadwalleder University. He takes the job at $60 per winning game plus free room and board, with the promise of a $30K a year contract if he beats Nevada State. Green's wife, not thrilled in the least with his career move, tells him to bounce off on his own.

First order of business is to recruit some inner-city players to improve Cadwalleder's chances. He ends up with a pool hustler, a smooth talking minister, a woman he convinces to pass as a man, and a bitter ex-high school star who'd previously turned down 148 athletic scholarships. How will these streetwise black kids integrate into "Honkey Heaven" (their term for Cadwalleder University after reading the school's brochure)?

After finding the perfect fifth man for his starting lineup, a white hulk whose expertise is knocking people on their asses, Green starts training his raw talent into a winning team.

There's plenty of fish out of water flopping around in this flick. Green is a NY Jew who finds himself in rural Nevada, trying to make his dream a reality. DC can barely read and is suddenly enrolled in university. Swish is a woman forced to live as a man, which becomes increasingly difficult for her emotionally. How the movie handles all of these situations and more is entertaining.  David Green is basically Mr. Kotter- Basket Ball Coach, and that is just fine. Gabe Kaplan is funny and likeable. It's a shame he didn't build a movie franchise on his character acting. Seriously, that schmuck Adam Sandler has made a monster bucks career for himself and he's a talentless twit; surely Kaplan, who is actually witty and charming deserved a better break. Well, at least we've got FastBreak, and we'll take it. Go Cadwalleder!

Directed by Peter Medak

Stars: Peter O'Toole, Alastair Sim, Coral Browne, William Mervyn, Arthur Lowe

"The voices of St. Francis, Socrates, General Gordon, and Timothy O'Leary all told me I was God."

A wickedly bleak black comedy/musical about madness and class, this film is truly an original. The Brits excel at creating this kind of work, perhaps due to all their careful inbreeding...

After the accidental (and absolutely silly)  death of the 13th Earl of Gurney, his son Jack becomes heir to the estate. The 14th Earl of Gurney is a loon who believes he is God. As his doctor explains, Jack became a paranoid schizophrenic due to being sent to public school!

A lunatic preaching peace and love between bouts of spouting insanities simply will not do in the eyes of the rest of the family. The greedy relatives hatch a plot to rob Jack of his wealth and cure him of his illness, and the results are completely unexpected. The Jack that emerges is one they can finally accept- Jack the Ripper.
Chillingly, in his new persona, the 14th Earl of Gurney is accepted as a functioning and sane member of British high society.

This blistering attack on the British class system is not one you'll soon forget. The script is brilliant and the acting superb. Peter O'Toole is mesmerizing as Jack, and Arthur Lowe almost steals the film as the newly moneyed butler, Tuck.

Directed by Gerald Thomas

Stars: Suzanne Danielle, Kenneth Williams, Jack Douglas, Beryl Reid, Henry McGee

"Oui, I can be VERY explicit!"

A sweet little bit of crumpet filled with innuendo, puns, and slapstick, this film in the Carry On series is never subtle. Think of it as an extended Benny Hill episode and you'll get the gist of what's going down (ha-ha) here. In fact, Henry McGee, a Benny Hill regular, appears in this flick as an incredulous reporter.

Sexy carefree spirit Emmannuelle Prevert goes to the UK to join her ambassador husband, causing all sorts of mayhem. Funniest bit- Emmannuelle disrupts a soccer match as all the players contrive ways to leave the field to service her in the locker room.

It's all good clean fun, and nowhere near the raunchiness of typical sex comedies. You'll find plenty to laugh at here, including the disco theme song, "Love Crazy".
While not the funniest of the Carry On pictures, it is worth a look just for giggles.

 

Directed by Italo Martinenghi

Stars: Who the fuck cares?

"You can look forward to a delirious gallop down the centuries."

You can look forward to a night in the ICU after you put your head through the television set to put yourself out of your misery. BAD, BAD, BAD. Dumber than a box of rocks! As enjoyable as a dentist's drill! Able to disinterest film-watchers in a single scene! Good luck making it past the dumb opening credits. The theme song will make you want to vomit (and this terrible song is played throughout the movie, it sounds like Mexican disco played at 99 bpm.) You'll be tempted to turn this turkey made in Turkey off. I did- twice! The only good thing I can salvage from this film is that the supermen costumes look like Ralph's from Greatest American Hero.

A wacky German scientist invents a combination time machine/space ship. The Godfather wants it to find out who is stealing his shipments. Three retards in costume try to retrieve the invention. Read enough? All manner of stupid hijinks are going on in this movie. There's just too much, with the flying and drugs, organized crime, unfunny jokes, and the hyper disco-fied soundtrack. Ugh. Total crap and not worth a second of your time. It's criminal to call this  film a comedy. 

Directed by  Steven Hilliard Stern

Stars: Bob Dishy, Bill Dana, Joanna  Barnes, Pat Morita, Harvey Jason

"Come in through the doggie door, and watch out for the doggie doo."

I think the title is referring to me, and the answer to the question is the filmmakers who shat out this stinking turd. You'll want to kill yourself if you try to watch this crap.
The animated opening credits are the best part of this (ahem) film. The rest is one excruciatingly unfunny exercise in ineptitude.

Bob Dishy is Jordan Oliver, a schmuck who is embezzling from his father-in-law's company. He has 30 days to pay back the money he stole or he will go to jail. Of course his wife wants a divorce. Faced with losing his lavish lifestyle, Oliver plots to have his wife bumped off so he can collect the insurance money. Dumb and dismal. Don't waste brain cells on this train wreck.

Directed by Tim Burton

Stars: Paul Reubens, Elizabeth Daily, Mark Holton, exquisite Danny Elfman score

"SUPPOSED to mean?! I think everyone here knows what this is supposed to mean! When you've gone over something again and again and again  and again like I have, certain questions get answered, others spring up, the mind plays tricks on you, you play tricks back, it's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting!!"

Quite possibly the best comedy to emerge from the 80's, this is Tim Burton in full genius bloom, with all the absurd touches that only he is capable of creating. Outlandish characters, surreal set pieces, the delightful use of color, and an undeniable underlying creepiness...Simply brilliant.

When Pee-Wee's beloved bike disappears, his attempt to recover it leads to a fantastic journey where he encounters Texans, bikers, actors, a singing hobo, and a ghost. With all the challenges he faces, our man-boy cannot be swayed from his mission. Nothing is stronger than the love of a boy for his bike.

Cool stuff to look for- Mr. T cereal, a cameo by Phil Hartman (who was also one of the screenwriters), and mega loser child actor gone WAY wrong Mark Everett, who murdered his girlfriend, kidnapped their son, and died in a hail of bullets after being featured on America's Most Wanted.  Super hottie Elizabeth Daily is kind of jarring in her role of Dotty, every time she spoke I had images of Tommy Pickles. I admit, she is not hot in this particular film, but check her out in Valley Girl. Trust me, her body is no joke.

There are so many great scenes in this little gem, it's hard to pick one as the ultimate. My personal favorite is the Bicycle Briefing, where Pee-Wee stuns a captive audience in his basement with the amount of evidence he's collected in relation to the theft of his bike. Reubens is completely unhinged here, and his ravings are hysterical. A close second is the Tequila sequence, which spawned a dance craze and hit song for Joeski Love.

You knew it was coming and here it is... my RANT. Paul Reubens is funny as hell, I used to watch his show every Saturday morning. He was at the top of his game when it all came tumbling down due to his arrest for masturbating in an adult movie theater. First of all, what a stupid fucking law. What else are you supposed to do in a skin flick theater? I don't know about you, gentle reader, but your Mistress will tell you no lies- if I'm watching a fuck film, I'm either going to rub one out or get someone else to do it for me. THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE MADE FOR. Understand? The purpose of these movies is to get your nether regions all excited in preparation for the sex act, whether it happens to be with another person or by yourself. It's a damn shame that such a talented man was treated like a criminal and inspired deep hatred for fulfilling a basic human need. Luckily, Reubens was able to salvage his career.

Directed by Julien Temple

Stars: Geena Davis, Julie Brown, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey, Damon Wayans

"Oh my God, you're like totally BLACK!" 

You'll either hate it or love it. Earth girls may be easy, but sitting through this movie isn't unless you put your brain in park. Not because Temple isn't saying anything, but how he says it can be a bit overwhelming.

Three furry aliens crash land on earth, get makeovers from ditzy Valley girls Julie Brown and Geena Davis, and learn about life through t.v. There's romance and shit, but so what? The main reason to watch this film is to gawk at all the totally hideous 80's clothing, hairstyles, and miscellaneous junk. And to see Jeff Goldblum in all his shirtless glory. Drool!!

Basically a string of cheesy music videos strung together by a wafer thin plot. These musical breaks are mainly shite. The worst- Davis singing "The Ground You Walk On" while destroying her boyfriend's stuff. (For a fabulous version, check out Prince protege Jill Jones' rendition.) Anyway, thank goodness Julien Temple got his shit together when he directed the excellent Absolute Beginners, which is absolutely brilliant. Realize that this movie is really a testament to 80's excess and the pitalls of consumerism, then you can enjoy what's on display more.